Pity Party of One

I was at church and it hit me, a little morose depression. It happens every now and then. Usually after there has been a lot going on, and everything slows down for awhile. Or when I've been sick for a number of days, or when someone preaches about it at church. This time, I think it's a combination of having had this nasty flu cold for longer then one should carry it, and things have slowed down a little bit. Not for to long. We'll be off and running soon again. :P

Why am I single? Why am I supposed to wait? Did I miss the opportunity? Are we only given one opportunity and if we don't seize or recognize it, it is lost to us? Or maybe we have to walk a lot farther until an opportunity arrives again. Or is it just that I am to wait, and wait . . . maybe never having the opportunity to have a true companion on this earth.

Am I happy single? Sure, I can be quite happy and single. Am I able to live life "alone"? absolutely. God has given me a supportive and loving family. Do I desire to have a help mate and family of my own? Yes.

My heart leaps for joy for my friends as they have found wonderful persons to share their life and journey together with. At the same time, a little piece of my heart crumbles, knowing another chapter in my life is just closing or opening and I must go on the journey without a companion.

My confidence and clarity dims with the wonderful news of a new life coming into the lives of so many friends and family. I love being "Auntie Katie". I love all my little "nieces and nephews", and look forward to my friends having children and the joy that comes in the growth of their families. I get to experience from the sidelines the joy and hope that comes with each new precious gift.

I know that they are not passing me by, they just have a different route to take. I wonder if I will cross paths with someone in whom our paths join and become one we take together. I'm 31 years old! I'm older then anyone in my family was when they got married. Most of them had at least one child by the time they were my age. Oh forget that, some aren't even 30 yet and have lovely children and spouse. Kind hearted friends and family, think they are relating to me, when they say, "I thought I would never meet the right person either" (most of those were married before they were 25, HELLO!) "God has his time." (Yes, but did I miss it?) "You can't be happy married, if you aren't happy single." (that is obvious, and I really am not unhappy single, just wishing there was a little more).

It seems that men my age are looking at women younger then I. Who then is interested in a 31 year old teacher, who still wants to continue her education? More often, guys over 50 seem to look at me as a potential, and often they've kids close to my age. Is it so wrong to desire a smaller age gap and not have step children?

Well there is my little pity party of one. Next week will be better. :) Hey, I do get to be an "auntie" again soon, I really am blessed to have the lovely friends that I have, and the family that loves me so.