Sabbath Afternoon . . . Blues

Ever have one of those days where you start to think you're depressed? Or you know are, and it's down right irritating.

Today I just collapsed. Ok, last night I did. We're definately back to school. I've caught the first cold of the season. :P Oh yes, and I've been to two chiro treatments this week, and more next, to take care of some lame back twisted out of something or other (annoying situation, to be sure of). And then there is school. If having a student with A.S., four ADHD students (three of whom are 1st graders), 3 Kindergarteners, a gifted 2nd grader, an LD 2nd grader, and a sweet little 3rd grader that I loose at the end of the quarter because they are moving to the largest state in the Union, wasen't stressfull enough add 9th Grade. Which really isn't that bad (but I feel bad because I haven't been able to devote to them as much since I had to take on Kindergarten) they are three wonderful kids. I now have someone upset at me because I resigned from the Children's Ministry position at church. Someone who is supposed to be my back up, and I theirs . . . you know, in Ministry, be it church or school, we are all suppose to be working together, but you .

Granted, I did resign under extreme stress, but I knew and know I can not do it justice. Few will do anything with Children's Ministry as long as I am in there. "Oh, she's young, she can do it." I heard that soo often. Hello? Just because I'm younger, doesn't mean I can do everything. Most of those who say that are active retirees . . . I want to say "You're retired and have nothing else to do, you can do it!" HA!

Well, I guess saying that I couldn't do it anymore, especially with added responsibilities at the school and a lack of support (physical and emotional!) from the church for both the school and the church, I could no longer take on that added responsability. Especially since I was sick so much last year, and with more . . . well it's just crazy. It would be a dis-service to both aspects of ministry, and since my first priorty in ministry is with our school, that was where I needed to focus. I'm willing to help out at the church for programs, but I will no longer be available to organize and plan programs for there as well as the school. The school is such a huge evangalistic ministry . . . and it's for more then 180 days a year. We've got weekends, and afterschool, and . . . oiy! It's amazing we get lesson plans done. hehe

I should have done it when I wasen't soooooooo emotional I suppose, but school started three days later, I was sleep-deprived, and upset already because we had to make cuts because of a micro-managing board (who I think learned thier lesson, and it isn't that they didn't mean well, and they are supportive of all the teachers and staff). However, others wanted to blame it on the principal who had no control of the situation, it was, what it was. And there was such a lack of faith . . . I was soo exausted, I made the call to resign.

Anyhow, I'm now mud. Which makes this loneliness I feel lately even more exasperated.

I feel I have few friends locally, ok, not quite, I have several friends, but I'm not the person that any of the singles or young adults ask to go do stuff. They are all married, or single guys who are more like brothers, so I'm a little "uncool" to hang with I guess. Yup, I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I'm down right irritated with it.

I should be having fun, enjoying life, I'm not that old, or am I now too old . . . maybe I'm now the Old Maid some of my girl friends and I all joked about becoming because "there aren't guys that could handle us".

Honestly, being single really isn't so bad . . . though being single and having only married friends and "little brothers" in town is sometimes rather lonely. Being single means, I don't have to worry about "taking care to do what my husband wants, forgeting my own needs" or "oh dear, we need a babysitter to do anything". If I had the money, being single means I could travel and not worry to much, though I suppose I would have to make sure my dogs are looked after.

I could move anywhere I wanted to, as well. Let's see, where do I want to move to?
Somewhere, where there are a few more young adults that are more in the same place of life I am? Maybe another country, learn a new language and do something spontaneous. Hmm, I wonder how easily my pups could move to another country. I have a feeling they would have to be quaranteened for quite sometime. Ok, sooo, I need to get a job that allows me to travel more, meet people from all over, but still have a home base. Make enough money to hire a "sitter" for my pups while I'm away for a week here or there. Or, I could just get a truck, have my dogs ride with me, and drive semis. yeah, there we go. Then leave them off with the folks when I decide to go travel overseas. :D HA!

Oh, they'd love that!

Seriously though, I'm starting to come out of this aggrevating fog of misery I've been under. Just needed to rant and rave.

Things are actually pretty great, just had to let the tension out so I could actually see that I guess.

For instance, I believe I have finally figured out how to deal with my little A.S. student when she gets into a tantrum. She just needs me to put my arms out for a hug, and she'll cuddle in, and slowly calm down (quietly! that's the best part, the quietly part). She is such a sweet little girl, and sooo smart.

Ohh! And I've a little first grader who just cracks me up everyday. He's soo vivatious. He loves to learn about everything and gets soo excited when he knows something to add to the learning experiance. Each of my kids are darlings, though they do drain me of energy. The ninth graders are fun, and rather entertaining.

My co-workers are great people, and there is no tension this year with the staff, we're a TEAM!!!

My new truck is wonderful. I love airconditioning, I love four-wheel-drive, I love the space for the dogs it has and doesn't come into the sitting place . . . yeah, I like my 'lil beast.

My pups are always happy to see me when I get home. All three dogs just ooze happiness when I walk in the door. :)

My back no longer hurts so much, just a little sore with all the muscle work the chiro treatment has been doing.

Oh yeah! I can go to the University I want to, to work on master classes next summer, and the conference will pay for it! I wonder if they will pay for the particular masters course I want though. Hmmmm . . . we'll see. For now, the fact they will let me go there, and pay for classes, that's cool. Maybe I can do all the "basic" ones this summer, and then we'll see.

I have a family, that though we squabble at times, all do love each other.

And best of all I have a Heavenly Father who loves me, even when I'm down and out, forgetting how he's right there with me, and really does understand what it's like, and loves me still, though I faulter.

I miss all of you guys, a lot right now, but I know you all are praying for me and that means so much to me. You all are in mine . . . can't wait till we can all do it together. :)